Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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