I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
