There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
