life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize