I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
