Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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