I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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