i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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