You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
