one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
