first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
