I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think im going to throw up on grandma
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize