So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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