I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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