So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize