I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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