My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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