I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I cannot find my penis.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
