that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
