Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
