I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
