Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
