he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
