Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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