Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
