that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize