my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
