phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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