I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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