I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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