I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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