I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
