I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
