Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
