Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize