I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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