She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize