remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
