Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
