Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
