just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
