Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
