Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
