Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
