The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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