I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
