I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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