ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
