her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
