Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
pray to the hookup gods
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
