i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
