We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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