in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
