You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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