I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
