I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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