I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
