some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
