I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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