I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
