even my farts smell like vagina
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize