Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize