i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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