I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
