i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
