dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Is it penis luge time yet?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
