I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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