I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
